Back in Action!

Ahh I’m back at training, after a hiatus of one week plus. My muscles are quite weak. Maybe because I pushed myself yesterday, without the gradual warming up.

My poomsae is not too shabby. Still remember most of them. Good sign I guess? My front kick was plain awful today. I just couldn’t curl my toes without bending my ankle, because my calf muscles were too pain. Both legs.

Speaking of calf muscles, yesterday was the first time I injured my calf muscles. Yesterday, I was fine. It was just one of my hip muscles that was pain. Normal. Today, I woke up, and both my calves could barely move. At first, I thought it was just cramps. I occasionally suffer from cramps, but they usually go away within minutes. This was like a day long of cramps. Pain.  

Training in a freezer box.

Random thought. It’s 3 months till my birthday!

Today, we met our sparring coach. Young guy, but well-accomplished.

We had our first training session with him today. Nothing heavy supposedly, just some fitness training. It was more of a relaxed session for us students to get to know coach, and vice versa. Just to sink into each others’ styles.

It was tiring. I felt like choking. I blame it on the powerful air-conditioning though. It dried up my throat. I couldn’t breathe. Other things were okay. Oh and I pulled my hip muscle again. Training was a torture because of that. Everything you do requires that muscle.

Bukit Nanas!

Second day of Famine. Nothing eventful today. Broke fast with cold Milo from McD.

Evening was exciting. Went to Bukit Nanas for the first time ever!

The first time I jogged up, I thought, hmm it’s not that bad. Until I reached a slope. Wah. I run also cannot move. It feels like the treadmill, you are static, on the spot only.

By the third round, I was dead. My legs were tired out. It felt quite satisfying somehow.

30 Hour Famine!

30 hour famine today! I survived it! Just 24 hours for me actually, because I wanted to go to Bukit Nanas the second day, in the evening. I can’t do that with an empty stomach. Will faint.

Famine was an interesting experience. I went in alone. Yes, I didn’t realise that I was alone until the night before. And when I reached there, turns out, most people come together. And they just had to rub it in, asking me whether I came with friends.

It was quite an exhausting thing, mainly because I was not allowed to stretch my legs, and my legs were aching from training yesterday. They needed to move around and sprawl out, which they were not allowed to.

Some things were not surprising. They were well known facts. But one thing that struck me the most was the living in the streets game. The feeling of having to run from the gangsters and police, hunting for food, living alone with no family, like a beggar. Now, that was something new to experience.

One thing that was justified is my opinion that such big organisations are over rated.

Worked out. Hard.

Honestly? I feel like crap right now. Just had a brief moment of diarrhoea. Might be a good sign. I usually only go through that when I exercise too hard.

Went for training last night. Still, went for training this morning. Sunday trainings are really fun though! My first time at the Sunday trainings. Lots of fitness training! I’m quite glad that I have seen improvement in myself since few years back. I can now go through the entire training without feeling tired. Until after training, that is.

After that had a nice lunch. McDonalds as usual. Was quite a short one, but I got to know them that much better. Evening of discovery, I must say.

We went to the Taman Tun park for a jog that evening, after lunch. Explored the trail roads hidden in the big hill. Half way through, it rained. We eventually found our way back to our car and headed back to Ikea for a drink.

Whenever we do sports, we always head to places with refillable drinks. We become gluttons for drinks. Haha.

Awesome day. Even though I feel like crap right now.  

Bonding Session

I felt crappy at training today. Woke up too early I guess. My friend picked me up, I didn’t have to drive. This month, I’m so not going to drive where I can avoid it. Fasting month. The roads get clogged up early on in the day, even before I finish my class.

It was raining terribly the whole day today. I don’t know what was up. Today’s Friday the 13th by the way.

After training, we had a quick lunch at the cafeteria at the hostel. The portion seemed huge today. I couldn’t even finish half of it, unless it was me who lost my appetite. Then, we left college and headed to Great Eastern Mall where our friend had to conduct a session there. After that, we came back to 1 Utama, our familiar territory. Had a quick walk around the place, before watching The Expendables. Truly violent movie. Cinema wasn’t as cold as I thought it’d be. Finally, we had a quick dinner, at McD again before heading home.

Long day indeed. I must stop going out so much. It’s tiring. But this one was an exception. She needed to celebrate her end of exams. I’m quite flattered that she chose to spend it with us, instead of with her course mates who would probably feel her enthusiasm more than us. Haha.

My Best Memories

My best memories are through Taekwondo. Good, bad, sweet, bitter, proud, funny, disappointment, frustration, anger, painful and even love. I’ve been through them all through Taekwondo.

Maybe one day I shall tell of them.

On a separate note, my mum took me to buy shoes today. I finally bought the pair of running shoes that I’ve been eyeing for two days. It was on sale. It’s an awesome pair of shoes. Beautiful. Fluorescent green! Plus, I bought a nice pair of black heels after that, for work! Woohoo! Happy!

Big Bully.

Getting a taste of my own medicine, is what they call it.

Okay. I’ve learnt my lesson. Thank you for teaching me the hard way (because I know I will never learn it simply because people say so). And thank you for protecting me the whole time. I promise to keep my temper under control, and only let it go when I can do so without hurting people.

I encountered a road bully tonight. I was driving home from training. After the u-turn near my house, someone tried to cut me. I didn’t let him in and I honked. In the end, he still cut in front of me and drove funny. He stopped, he drove slow, he tried to follow me. Thankfully, he didn’t try too hard to follow me, and he lost me. I am really grateful for that.

I noticed, this time, just like the previous time, or times, I did not panic during the incident. The one thing on my mind was to do the right thing that would keep me safe and alive. I was all on my own. Everything else blurred, that I did not even think of getting his number plate or car make. In the moment, I was totally focused. I did not feel scared somehow. It was only half an hour or so later that I broke down, and felt like crying. As if I had been through something traumatic. And thankfully again, my friend was there for me so conveniently. After talking to him, I did feel much better and right now, I’m doing quite well again. Still a little scared though.

Haunting Me.

There is one thing that continues to haunt me every single day. One particular event. One thing that I wish I could change, but I know I can’t, so I will not try. I regret not losing my temper.

Now, I feel like I’ve twisted the story. Let me tell you the version that has been replaying in my mind, haunting me consistently.

It happened at my grading. One of the things we had to do was free sparring. I was in a crappy mood that day, having lost by 0.1 marks just the weekend before. I was sort of giving up. I had three rounds of sparring. The first round was not too bad since she had no experience in sparring either. The second round was bad because she had too much experience in sparring, at least compared to me. The third round is the one I cannot get out of my mind. I was partnered with a guy, younger guy of course. Quite big size for his age. The thing is, he cannot kick above belt level. We are about the same height (yes, I’m short). And he kept kicking my leg muscles only. Not even once did he kick above the belt. It was painful, especially since a dog bit me earlier that day and I sprained my other leg’s ankle.

The few seconds that keep replaying in my mind is towards the ending of that match. He kept kicking me below the belt. I gave up. I lost my patience. I just threw both hands up and let him continue kicking me, waiting for the referee to stop the match.

What happened in reality was that I gave up. The match stopped.

End of story.

What happened in the version that keeps replaying is that the match stopped. Then, resumed. Immediately after the referee let us off, I chased after him and landed a chopping kick on his face with my right leg, and then another with my left leg. Then, the referee stopped the match and broke us apart. Mind you, that all must have happened within less than 5 seconds. The referee immediately tore me off. By the way, the referee was my friend, my senior. My other friends were sitting by the side of the ring. The referee pulled me off, and gave me a stern look to stop. I did. I stopped. But my eyes still had the look of a killer.

“Stop, Qinmei,” my friend yelled from the sidelines. “Stop.” He repeated, in a lower tone this time. I did. I wasn’t panting or gasping for air. Yet, I felt my whole body heat up and I felt the rush of blood flow through my entire body. So this is what fight or flight response means.
By now, everyone had rushed over to see whether he was okay or not. I’m sure he’s fine. I’ve gotten kicked in the face many times before, in competition, and that’s by girls who are stronger than I am. I couldn’t have even left a mark on him.

The guy who told me to stop. He was standing right next to me now. He wasn’t angry. He almost never is. He was talking to me as if I was a child who did something wrong. Why did I hit him in the face so many times, so hard? This was just a grading. It’s not meant to kill. I was supposed to control. We don’t want accidents. We just want to see whether you can apply what you learn. That’s all.

I raised my voice a little with him. What do you expect me to do? Just stand there and get kicked like I always do? It was freaking painful okay. He did not even once kick me above the belt. He kicked my muscles. And hitting muscles is damn pain. You should know right? I’m sure you’ve had it before.

My seniors both looked at me with a strict face. Of course, I reciprocated. They didn’t want me to kill? At the same time, they wanted me to attack? What was I to do?

I have a short temper. It was pain. I simply defended myself.

And that is where the vision ends. I still feel the anger every time the scene plays. It has become a source of motivation for me, to fight for myself. To defend myself. To lose my temper. To do what I have to do.

A Plan to Win.

I have come out with a plan.

I need to stay focused until the end of September, when my competition is. It’s my final competition, I have to make it big and end with a bang!

Everything has to stop. No more late night meals. No more hanging out with friends so much. Definitely no more chasing him. More studying. More staying in the present. More concentration. Better dieting. Lose some weight. More training. Smarter usage of effort at training.

That’s my plan. It’s just six weeks. I have to do it. I don’t have a choice.

I hope that with my plan in mind, people will be supportive of me and will help me through this phase of my life. I know that it’s going to be hard, and I don’t think I can get through it alone.

Someone Else.

I had dinner with him again today. The usual. After training, we always go out for dinner. But today, I found out something. He likes someone else, who is two years younger than us. Me, he’s just playing with me, just as I do with other guys. Nothing more than casual friends who are sometimes quite close, like siblings. That’s all I am.

Busy-bee-ing.

Today was an amazing day. It started with Taekwondo in the morning. Taekwondo went well and smooth, even though we were put in charge. Lots of members. Lots of noise and laughter.

After training, we rushed off for a meeting about the upcoming competition. That went well too. Though I do feel slightly insulted that they all think that I am not a gentle lady-like girl. And that I am more of the act like a guy type.

Timing was perfect, I rushed off to badminton immediately after the meeting. I reached there in a heavy downpour. It didn’t matter much because I was already drenched in sweat, and was about to get more sweaty anyway. So, I hurried through the rain to the courts where I joined my friends for a game or two.

Was flat out within half an hour though. Muscles weren’t fully recovered from Wednesday’s training, and was worsened slightly from the morning’s training. I decided to just sit in the sidelines and watch others play. It was quite interesting watching people play. I get to see their techniques, their habits, their strengths and their flaws.

After badminton, I returned to college for UQ Evening. It was quite relaxed for me because I had already submitted my application, and received an offer earlier this year. So, while everyone was stressing over the interview, I was busy enjoying my food. Also got meet up with a friend I occasionally bump into, a basketballer who towers over me. I hate talking to him, unless we’re both sitting. He’s too tall for me.

UQ Evening was long, tiring to some extent. I was there for a reason though. I was the emcee of the night. It’s not every day that you get to be the emcee of an event, and therefore I grabbed the opportunity as soon as it came my way. I’m glad that I didn’t hesitate.

After the presentation had finished, my friends told me, let’s go watch a movie. Very last minute and very spontaneous. But that’s me. I followed them for the movie. Had a nice cup of Starbucks coffee. It’s a rare treat that I give myself. Love the chocolate chips in the Java Chip flavour.

I only reached home slightly past 11.00 p.m., and was quite flat out. It was truly a long day, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I know, tomorrow I’ll definitely wake up with aching muscles.

Reciprocate.

My feelings for him are getting stronger. I really feel that I like him. The worst part is that I don’t know whether he likes me too. The way he treats me, it’s sort of as if he likes me. But I’m not sure. And I can’t be sure. He brushes against me a lot. Normally guys don’t do that with me. They always treat me like another guy, just like another one of them. But they never ever touch me that way. When it comes to that, they still have their boundaries that a guy cannot cross with a girl. I think I am falling for him.

Hugs.

I paid a visit to a Toastmasters club in my area today, Money and You Toastmasters. It was actually my first time visiting them, despite being in the same area. Food was definitely amazing. Lived up to its name! The sambal was awesome, not too sweet and not too spicy. Lots of hugs, me likey.

I was there to present a speech from the advanced manual. I only started preparing 2 hours before the meeting. More than sufficient time, I would say. I couldn’t have done any better had I allocated myself more time. As a speaker, I know that I am a very confident and controlling person. I have no problem acting powerful. What I need is to inject emotions, which is something I naturally am bad at, especially to strangers.

I am quite happy today because I coincidentally met a friend on my way back to my car. I have not seen him in weeks. It’s a funny story how we became so close friends, yet here we are today, best buddies. I know that I can count on him if I ever had any problems that I needed someone to talk to. I had a brief lunch with him, since he had not eaten. I got to catch up with him and keep in touch. He always feels like such a big brother to me, maybe because of his height. Now, that was the highlight of my day. I got a big hug from him just before we parted ways. I love it when he gives me a hug; I just feel so protected. Haha.

Starting Afresh.

The time has come for me to start afresh. Life is starting afresh for me.

Through these few months, I’ve grown again; in a different direction, maybe. I am becoming clearer of my dreams and goals, my strengths and capabilities, as well as my weak spots and vulnerable points.

I’ve started embracing who I am. I am young. I am only 18, turning 19 at the end of this year. I am still very young, and I need to accept and cherish that. Why chase the years when I would need to live through them in the future anyway?

This first post, it will be a long one. It is full of the emotions and memories that I am living behind as well as reliving as I transit from my old blog to my new one.
I have grown very sure of myself. Confidence is no longer an issue. Deep inside, I still have my superiority complex. I need to be dared. I need to be challenged! I still have an obsession with proving people wrong.

But I do admit, I have gotten more emotional lately. My emotions become more bouncy and unstable. I am getting more hot tempered lately, though I am still very patient on the outside. I do feel, however, my blood boiling more often than previously. I am becoming less careful with hiding my emotions. I don’t see the point of it. And I do get sad more frequently. I am still unable to cry. But the feeling of wanting to cry, the overwhelming feeling, it still comes very often. I think it’s probably because I now have more friends who care, friends who would actually be concerned if they saw me sad.

Life is starting anew for me because I have just stepped down as President from my Taekwondo club. The time has come for me to let go of the responsibilities and pass the baton. It is now time for me to focus on myself. I need to develop myself, especially through more self-reflections and feedback-searching. On top of that, I am semi retired from Toastmasters. It no longer makes me happy as it used to. My friend stole the limelight from me. As bitter as I am about it, I’m accepting that it wouldn’t have lasted forever. At least I lost it to a friend who does acknowledge that he stole it from me.

As sure as I am about life, I still feel very unsure. I have my dreams. But my dreams don’t sound feasible. At least, not under these circumstances, that others do not know of.
I have found a guy to love. He is everything I could ask for. Loves sports, a thinker, humble, hardworking, caring, hot, and not afraid of me. Before this, I thought that I could never love again, not after watching the guy I love transform when I told him I liked him. Immediately, that guy disappeared. I really thought that I would never love another guy as much as I loved him ever again. But I have found someone.

There is another guy, he is perfect, through my eyes. Great at sports, great at studies, focused, determined, outspoken, confident and hot. He seemed like the perfect guy. Yet, I do not have any feelings for him, other than as a friend. He’s perfect. I don’t know why I don’t like him.

Right now, things are going well for me. I just got slapped in the face a few times these past few months, both in terms of my academics as well as sports. However, I am still here, alive, and standing taller than ever. Whatever doesn’t kill you truly does make you stronger.

I am back! I am ready to challenge my limits! I am ready to prove you wrong! I am ready for whatever life throws me! Because, I know I am not alone. =)